You've Got Mail

So I have been trying my hand at online dating lately.  I'm not ashamed of this, because you've probably tried it too.  I doubt than anyone ever enters an online match haven and finds that they're the only one there.  No, people are doing this en masse because I see there little faces every day!  It makes me laugh whenever someone's profile starts out "I can't believe I'm actually trying this"--what, you think you're better than me?!?  No, we're both lonely enough to throw down $29.95 for a little peek, so don't pretend you're above it!  That's funny.

Creating your profile is a craft you must master.  You have to try and summarize your entire essence in a beautiful little blurb--it's like high-stakes Facebook.  And then you have so many questions to ask yourself:  WOULD I date a 19yo?  Or a 38yo?  What IS my favorite food?  I ran track in high school--so my body type is "athletic", right?  It's pretty exhausting.  By the end you've created some distorted, Frankenstein representation of your best features.

Pictures are important.  You must look good in your pictures, because everyone knows you're using your best ones!  If you don't look good in your cover photo, then you're ugly--FACT.  So you start scanning through old albums, cropping out ex-girls and whatever.  You need just a small collection of photos where someone accidentally caught you looking like a movie star.  You find the Big Three, with at least one where you're holding a puppy, and now your Franken-profile has a face.

And now you're OK, because it's time to lay down some cyber game.  It's e-business time.  Well it's late and I'm tired (i.e. I need to go search for chicks online for a couple hours).  I've got some stories brewing, I can feel it.