Monday, December 15, 2008

Applications

I thought that I might want to further discuss my experiences with online dating with this post.  What an adventure that has been.  There are lots of people out there that are searching for a mate.  And a large percentage of them are also Phillipino and looking for U.S. citizenship.  Another time.

What has largely been on my mind lately has been my applications to residencies, and my response to how this process has been going.  My experience during medical school has been a very difficult one, largely due to my addiction to alcohol.  Because of this I had often looked toward residency application to be a time when I could shine--when I could enter into an interview and let them know how good a man I am, how my addiction is in remission and well-controlled, and that I'm going to make a fine resident physician.

One thing that I did not plan on, is that most of the programs to which I had applied declined to give me an interview.  I have only completed one interview thus far (from MY school, which is essentially a gimme), and have been declined by six programs.  The remaining 10 schools to which I applied have not responded at all--I don't know WHAT that means.  The lack of response from these programs has been devastating to my self-esteem.  I poured my heart into my applications, believing that people who see the promise that I have--and the toughness I have for enduring all of my struggles.  I believed that I would finally receive "my due" and be accepted into the residency of my choice.  I have been down as of late, as I wonder whether any residency program will accept me at all!  This has been extremely disappointing.

As I have finally been processing this turn of events, several things have come into my mind.  For one, I do have some responsibility with regards to what has happened.  I have not been as diligent as I could have been with regards to my school performance--namely, passing my second board exam.  Though I believe that I will ultimately pass the exam (when I re-take it in January), residency programs are skittish about accepting students who have not passed this exam (because it means that they may not be graduated when residency starts).  It is important that I own up to where I have failed so that I don't make the mistake of blaming God or others for the natural consequences of these failures.

More importantly than the above, no matter what I think that I have earned or if I believe that I've "done my time", God remains in control and His will for me is perfect and absolute!  I have learned this lesson before, learned it in a very big way.  Yet it seems that, after I have jumped through a certain number of hoops, I begin believing that I am due something from God.  IN MY LIFE, I WILL NEVER EARN THE RIGHT TO DICTATE GOD'S WILL, NOR DESERVE THE GRACE THAT HE HAS ALREADY SHOWN ME.

How easy I forget the grace that God has already shown me--He doesn't owe me anything else.  Moreover, God has already determined a future for me, though I cannot see it at this time.  As James 4:8 says, if I draw near to Him then He will draw near to me.  By drawing nearer to Him, I will not change what He has for me but I will enjoy the comfort of knowing that it has come from Him.  I am grateful for the provision He has repeatedly show me, and the promise to always do so.

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